I have been thinking of an ideal marriage ceremony for some years now. I wanted a ceremony that would treat the man and woman on equal basis. Here is such a ceremony I dreamt of. I know it goes against many cultures and traditions, but I was driven only by idealism.
Marriage to me, is an occasion when two adults join in a special partnership. They agree to build a "nest" together and to share each other's joys and sorrow. They agree to pool together their skills and resources to improve the quality of life. They agree to satisfy each others sexual needs. In this new nest they are free to raise their children with their values. Marriage signals that two individuals are ready to take on the full responsibility for adulthood.
The Marriage ceremony starts with a "leave taking" phase. Both the young woman and the young man start the ceremony with their respective parents. ( Two parties are in the the same "room" separated by some symbolic distance ). Each "young adult" sits between the respective parents, and together thank God for all that has been thus far. Parents give thanks for the way the "young adult" has turned out to be, and the young person is thankful for all he/she got from the parents. Then the young adult declares " I am now an adult, time has come for me to fly out of your nest. Please bless me and wish me well in my future life." Parents agree by saying " We have taught you all we know. Yes, time has come for you to be on your own. We wish you all the best in your future life" . After some symbolic leave taking gesture (eg touching parents feet, or hugging or handshake) each child takes few steps backwards away from the parents, and then turns away from the parents to face the future life partner. Both take few more steps to come close to each other.
At this stage the marriage ceremony enters the second phase of "new beginning". The young adults would ask each other "Have you taken leave of your parents? Are you ready to begin the new journey?" Both would assure each other that they are indeed ready. Both would take few steps together towards a Purohit, and ask him/her to unit them in the eyes of the society/law. This Purohit would explain in a common language, in simple 5 to 10 sentences that a marriage means lot of sharing, adopting, giving and taking. Each would have to give up some individual freedom to gain a lifelong companion. Each individual values/principles/believes would have to be re-examined jointly to decide if it has to be kept or discarded. Next he would ask them if they are indeed ready to get married.
If both agree to get married, the Purohit would ask them to symbolically discard some clothes they had on, which was given to them by their respective parents and to replace them by the clothes offered by the "future partner".
Next the Purohit would ask them to exchange some symbol of married life, if they choose to. This could be a finger ring, a chain, or anything else, but it must be identical looking symbol.
The final act of the ceremony would involve choosing a name for this new family unit. The Purohit would ask if the young adults were ready to discard the last names given to them by their parents and take on a new name, if so to choose a new family name. The young adults would tell the name they had selected, and the Purohit would then declare that a new family unit is created on this day ...... at .... place and its name is ......
This new family name will exist as long as one of the couple is alive or one of their child is unmarried. Children born to this family will have this last name until they choose to marry.
This way both the parents let go of their child. No one has exclusive claim on this new family unit. This family is free to live where ever they find it beneficial. This family is free to establish ties with parent family on equality basis.
I feel the act of "Kanya Dana" is very demeaning to the girl. Why should she alone change her last name? Why should "three knots" or Mangala Sutra tied only around her neck? In South India the bride is expected to do "Gowri Pooja" before the "Kanya Dana", where she prays for a good husband? Why doesn't the groom pray for a good wife too? In South India the groom gets to choose between married life and single life ( Kashi Yatra ) in a symbolic way, why isn't similar choice given to the girl?
I feel if we do away with this "Kanya Dana" concept, girls would cease to be a "burden" and boys would cease to be an "asset". Why would any parent train an offspring well, if they are going to give that offspring away as "dana"? If both parent let go of their offspring, then chances are they would treat their child's education/training with equal concern. This way both the parents would have equal stakes to develop close ties with this new family for their own old age security. If any one parent family mistreats the "child-in-law", chances are the new family will drift away from them gradually, as this association is not "beneficial" to the new family.
(NOTE: My description of the second phase "New Beginning" may look like a Christian wedding. It was not intentional. My knowledge of Indian marriage ends with "Mangalsutra". If any one knows more about Sapthapathi or other less known parts of Indian marriage ceremony, they can incorporate it in appropriate places. Try not to nit pick the words, but look at it as an equality concept.)