It was seven years since I had been married. Still I did not have any children. Both my in laws had subjected me to bitter abusive language on the subject. Had said--- o what sins we did commit, that we had to inflict this barren woman upon our son as his bride! With this sterile wife how can one face the people ? Had he married someone else by now there would have been a home full of kids.

They used to find fault with almost everything I did. The food I cooked was not eatable, the clothes I washed were not clean enough, I was negligent about keeping the house neat…and other such allegations. They would not take me to relatives' weddings on the plea that my presence augured evil . My mother-in-law would shudder if I were the first person she met on waking up in the morning. She took this to be the harbinger of some misfortune. Even their mongrel cur, fur-less and ugly, got more respect than I. When respected relations came on formal visits, it was I who had to be shooed away rather than the dog.

All this made me feel quite depressed. I sent word to my father's place urging them to come and take me away. Came the day when they arrived, the father and the brother . They gave the following verdict and left : "This is where you belong, so you must spend the rest of your life in this household. You should weep upon the feet of your husband and your mother-in- law for you must live here even if it means living like a menial. Remember, the feet of your husband, there lies your béhest. "

I used to say to my husband, "How am I to blame for my infertility, something in which I have no hand?"

"Hm…" growled my husband in a deep tone of voice.

A sequence of exorcisms of various types was tried out to dispel the curse, but to no effect. Even talismans attached to black twine could not produce a child. One day the doctor from the rural Health Centre was called. When he was told what was wrong he prescribed various clinical tests.

"Tests? What tests?" queried the husband.

"Both husband and wife have to undergo these tests."

"Will there be a baby after carrying out the tests?'

"There could be, perhaps."

After this I persuaded my husband to go to the hospital with me, hoping a child would be born to me so that I could be rescued from the curse of being marked as a barren woman. My husband did not want to go at all. Said, "What test would they perform on me? Men do not go through any test."

"Still you must come. At least once, for my sake." With such love-drenched words I coaxed him to go with me to the dispensary. There they collected my stool, urine and blood. My husband was taken to a different room to be examined in privacy. "What did they test?" I asked him. His response was a frown. He spoke no words.

The reports came ten or fifteen days later. God knows what was in those reports. My husband tore them up . "Rubbish!" he said.

"Rubbish? Doctor's report rubbish?" I was in the grip of a suffocating panic. "Yes, rubbish. The blokes say that I am incapable of producing a child. Stuff and nonsense. As if I don't know what is what. Men of my age are finished in five minutes whereas I have staying power for thirty to forty minutes. Yet they say I lack power?" I was at a loss… what should I do? Now my mother-in-law would not forgive me, I thought. She will start looking for a new bride for her son. And I don't think their son would have any objection to this. My husband started sighing and regretting his fate every night. "Sufia has three sons, you know? She is so happy!"

"You were supposed to marry her, weren't you?"

"Yes," laughed the husband. His eyes laughed in happiness. His mouth laughed.

I also felt to think that had he got married to Sufia my husband would also have had three sons. At least the other members of the household would have spent their days secure in contentment. Before then I had never felt with such intensity that having kids was something so urgent. My husband and his household were making me feel at gut level that for women the only important task was to produce children. Sometimes I felt the utter futility of my being born. If my principal job was to give birth to babies, and if my inability to perform this ordained task made everyone turn away from me, then what was the use of continuing to live in this world bearing this disease of barrenness for ever.

With a heavy heart I went through the daily domestic chores. I would chop the vegetables, cook and serve meals to my husband and mother-in-law. I would wash the utensils. I deliberately worked harder than necessary in order to lighten the burden of my woe. My mother-in-law would ask her neighbour whether a suitable girl was available to be her son's wife : this she did even while eating the food I had cooked. I got an inkling that my husband would soon remarry. I could guess my parents would then pat my head and say, "To a girl, her husband is everything, my dear. Live peacefully with the co-wife. There's no shame in this. So many women tolerate and live with their husbands' other wives. After all it is because of your disability that Latif has to marry again. He is really not to blame."

It was during this time when I was feeling extremely cast down that the house came alive with everyone discussing the possibility of having the problem solved. What problem? Well, those who could not have children could now be fertile. From Medinipur had come a Pir who had this tremendous power. But I had no belief in this. The doctor has said there would be no children. Then how could there be any? The Pir could never reverse the doctor's findings? My husband said, "Let's go and make a last attempt. Salim Chacha had no offspring for twelve years. After getting the blessings from this Pir now chachi is with child. Mother-in-law along with her box of paan came to chat. Even those relatives of hers who were not having kids for five or even seven years were now fast becoming pregnant.

Therefore I would have to go. That morning mother-in-law asked me to go scrub my body and wash myself. Ablutions should be thorough before going to the Pir. She took an egg with her--- said, "I am taking an uncooked egg. He would boil it in the palm of his hand. As soon as you take the boiled egg you will have a child in your womb."

I laughed aloud. "What are you saying! What does eating an egg have to do with getting babies! Do eggs contain such ingredients?"

Mother-in-law said with her eyes screwed up, "Not for you to understand these things. The Pir Saheb is Allah's wali . Allahtayala has given him plenty of power.

"But does that mean even infertile women will start carrying?"

"Everything is possible if Allah so wills."

She put a paan in her mouth. She smeared her tongue with lime. Happiness rolled down her cheek

There was a throng of barren women in the Pir's house. Dreams of fulfilment shone in their eyes. I felt a bit nervous. The two of us sat on stools in the veranda and waited. Then came the call. Mother-in-law also went in with us. The Pir was sitting with two big bolsters on either side. He regarded me with a piercing glance. Mother-in-law touched his feet and salaamed him. She asked me to do the same. But I stood stock still at first. However I was forced to obey her. As I bent down the Pir stretched out his feet towards my hand! The feet were very white. And very clean.

There was a carpet spread out in front of him. We were made to sit on it. We sat down, both of us. A bearded man was there, sitting with a cash box : "A deposit of five thousand is required before speaking."

Mother-in-law had come prepared for this. She took out the money from the folds of her burkha and gave it to the man who said "Okay," after counting the money. The Pir opened his mouth only after this signal. "How many years without child?"

Mother-in-law answered. I sat with my eyes to the ground as if I was convicted for murder and was a great sinner. Retribution was being bought with money. The Pir laughed and said, "Our daughter-in-law is rather shy, it seems?"

I raised my head and found him smiling. So was my mother-in-law. Thinking that I should also smile I found my lips curling with sorrow and aversion.

"In which month did bouma have her last periods?"

At the mention of the word 'periods' my ears turned red with embarrassment. I gave no reply. It was not possible for my mother-in-law to reply either. Again the Pir spoke in his sonorous voice, "You must come twelve days after your next periods, bouma. Bring the egg then. If you eat the egg then you will be with child, with the grace of Allah."

Again my mother-in-law touched the man's feet and came away still holding the egg. The crowd of devotees had spilled over from the veranda into the courtyard. Each one held an egg in her hand. I left the place in wonder. My mother-in-law talked and talked all the way. "Perhaps I would have had to get my son remarried but Pirbaba has brought you luck. Get the blessings of Allah."

"Why should the egg be taken twelve days after the periods? If it is taken at any other time would there be no baby?"

"The eating of the egg should be according to the rules formulated by Allah," said my mother-in-law.

"Does Allah coordinate time according to the menstrual cycle?" I asked

"Don't you pass remarks on Allah, bou," hissed the in-law.

That night my husband said, "You will surely be pregnant soon. What do you say?" he asked.

"I was asked to come after twelve days of getting my periods," I laughed.

"Do you have to eat the egg on that day?"

"That's what he said."

"Have you seen how he boils the egg! Do you apprehend the power of Allah ?"

"He did nothing with our egg today. He would later. You know what, I don't have any faith in these Pirs and all. Let's go and see a good doctor. If the treatment is not possible in this country then let us go abroad."

"Have faith in Allah." Scolded the husband. So many people are going to the Pir. Hundreds of millionaires are thronging his place and touching his feet. Do all those highly educated people go there without understanding his abilities? Do you think they are fools? Those college and university teachers? Ministers? The secretaries ? Who does not go? Even the President of our country lies at the feet of the Pir.

My mother-in-law kept track of my periods. Exactly twelve days after the event she and my husband escorted me to the Pir. There were a row of rooms. Something was going on in each of them : in some there was eating going forward; a grand feast of polau and meat . In others allahu zikir was in progress. In still others quite a few men were sitting, caps on their heads and with smiling faces. There were also hordes of gloomy women waiting . My husband surveyed the scene and seemed to be quite impressed. We had to wait two hours for the meeting with the holy man. It was the appointed day for taking the egg he would boil. The egg was there in the folds of mother-in-law's burkha. On entering the room the other man with the cash box pronounced in his metallic voice the same phrase--- "Five thousand !"

My husband promptly gave him the five thousand . The holy man smiled when he got the egg. While fiddling with it in the palm of his hand he said, "One should pray sincerely to Allah for getting one's desires fulfilled, isn't that right?"

Husband nodded. Suddenly the saintly man broke the shell by stroking it on the edge of a bowl. "Take Allah's name and eat it up, bouma", he said.

Strangely the egg had become really hard-boiled. But I felt sure all this was mere jugglery. When I was young there was a prankster living next door to us. He would take a broken piece of brick, and with his hands behind his back utter some gibberish under his breath. Then he would bring his hands forward and lo! he was holding a guava. Of course he could not hoodwink us for long. We figured out that he used to keep the fruit in his pocket in which he somehow managed to squeeze in the brick and take out the guava. And the charm the boy was deceptive; those words made no sense. The words mumbled by the Pir, before his holiness blew on the egg, also seemed fake. My husband of course picked up the egg with his right hand and almost pushed it into my mouth.

After I had eaten it the Pir said he would now have to blow his breath upon me. No relation should remain in the room.

Exit husband and Mother-in-law. His Holiness slowly ran his fingers into his beard and said, "Dear girl, have you finished eating that egg?'

"Yes," I said with a nod.

"You are so beautiful. Your lips are like a piece of orange. Your figure is terrific. How old are you?"

"Twenty-seven".

"O you are raw goods! Do you want to lay chicks just now ?" The reverend Pir sniggered. His teeth were white as a turnip.

With head bowed I said, "My husband's family wants…"

"That is the whole trouble. These impotent husbands do not understand the problem."

Startled, I looked at his eyes. What sort of remarks are these? I felt his gaze crawling over my body. He devoured me with his eyes. He had a tasbih on his hands which was no longer there. The loose white ankle-length robe he was wearing was gradually being lifted up. Said the saint, "Go wait in the next room . Allah's Wahi will come.

'Allah's Wahi?"

Amazed I wondered, does Allah's Wahi come even in this modern age? But I had to listen to this man because by any means I must produce an offspring. I was also curious to know how eating an egg could produce a child.

There were four swords hanging on the wall of the room in which I was told to wait. There was a cheap wooden bed. That robot of a man who collected the money then tied up my mouth and eyes in two pieces of white cloth and asked me to lie down on the bed. "Must not move" his metallic voice whispered in my ears and he left the room.

I lay like a log. Suddenly I felt the weight of a heavy human body on top of me. This heavy body did something to me for ten to fifteen minutes and when I tried to resist, said, "If I disclose this then you will get into trouble but nothing will happen to me. Your husband will pronounce talak ; so it's better not to say anything. Just stay mum. You will have a kid. It's because I like you I have given you the medicine myself. Other men take charge of the other women. Foolish girl, can there be babies without this?

I was groaning. The man got up and went away. The metallic man unfastened my eyes and mouth. "Done. Now go," he said. I tidied my sari and went out to where husband and mother-in-law were waiting. Utterly disgusted I felt an urge to spit. I did not have a chance to spit on the Pir's face. The other man had escorted me to the door. My husband ran towards me. "Did he blow?" he asked.

I did not feel like saying anything… 'yes' or 'no'.

My husband was all smiles. I spat at him but missed my aim; The thing flew past the man.

Translated by Dr Tapati Gupta From the original Matritta